HIVE: The Abridged Series
by usernamemcgee
Summary: Can't be bothered to actually read the books? This is a 100% accurate summary of what happened. Well, let's call it 90%. Rated T for frequent strong language.
1. Chapter 1: The Only Asian

The main protagonist woke up and was in a helicopter.

"Where am I?" he asked into the darkness. It was so welcoming, he wished he could just give himself into the darkness, let him consume him, all hail the darkn-

"A very good question," said some random Asian boy, also known as the secondary protagonist, "you got any ideas?"

The main protagonist was like "no and I have a headache".

There was a brief description of the main characters, the Asian boy had a ponytail. Gay. No description of the main protagonist was given other than that he had short white hair, but, you know, he's still white.

The Asian boy was like "well you're fucking useless then aren't you, I shall ignore you and look moody."

Suddenly there was a volcano, _holy shit_, Otto thought, _volcanoes are hype_. What was less hype was the fact that the HELICOPTER FLEW STRAIGHT INTO THE VOLCANO THEY ALL BURNED AND DIED A FIERY, FIERY DEATH. Just kidding, there was a landing pad inside the volcano, they were all fine.

"So what's your name?" asked Otto, pathetically attempting to flirt.

"Wing Fanchu."

"I'm Malpense… Otto Malpense."

"That was clearly an attempt to sound like James Bond, guess what, Otto, you're 11, you don't sound cool," said Wing.

...

Blah blah blah description of them walking around, they ended up in this massive room full of nerds and there was this platform thing and this dude walked in. The dude was mega hot, holy crap wow, the only clue to his age were silver streaks in his hair, and also the fact that he was clearly post puberty, in fact there was a pretty big clue in that he was probably in his mid-thirties due to the fact that that that's what he looked like. There was no real clue to his nationality, but, you know, he's still white.

"Yo," said the man, "so basically you lot are just a handpicked bunch of douchebags and I intend to train you to benefit myself. Because I'm also a douchebag. Welcome to H.I.V.E., also known as 'Evil Hogwarts'."

There was a massive display of some stuff but Wing and Otto were just Too Cool to be impressed and started a staring contest with the sexy white douchebag, I don't know if you've ever been in a 3 way staring contest, but it's bloody difficult.

The guy on the platform started talking again, mainly out of embarrassment because he knew he would never win the staring contest, _what a little bitch_, thought Otto.

"My names Dr Nero-"

"*cough*BULLSHIT *cough*" came a voice from the crowd.

"What?"

"*cough* YOU CLEARLY ONLY CALL YOURSELF A DOCTOR TO LOOK COOL *cough*" came the same voice.

"*cough* DID YOU EVEN GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL *cough*"

"I am a doctor!" protested "Doctor" Nero (*cough* bullshit *cough*), "if you don't shut up I'll have you killed."

"Nerd," muttered Otto under his breath.

"RIGHT. THAT'S IT. SPEECH OVER. I WAS GONNA TELL YOU SOME USEFUL STUFF, BUT YOU CAN ALL JUST GO FUCK YOURSELVES."

The guards then began to usher all the little 11 year olds into a different doorway, and some stuff happened.

Meanwhile "Doctor" Nero watched all the little guys filter out of the room, and thought about how creepy the white hair boy and the Asian (the only Asian. I'm serious, he's referred to as 'THE' Asian) were.

"Raven, get your arse over here," he murmured softly, and some random person walked over in ninja gear, "take your helmet off so I can look at that scar I gave you when you were like 16 but it's origins will only actually be revealed in like 8 books," he told her.

Raven did as he asked. She was mega hot.

"How is it that you can see me when no one else can?" she asked, with a slight Russian accent, she was Russian, you know, that place that has about 5 billion different ethnic groups, she'd grown up in Siberia, that place right next to China. But, you know, she's still white.

"It's because I'm creepy as hell, and this just confirms my status as mysterious," he told her. "Anyway, who the fuck is this kid?" he asked, pointing at the kid on the screen on the lectern that I didn't mention earlier. _Why the hell don't I just carry around an iPad or another, slightly less user friendly but with better capabilities, or personalisation options, like, for example, a Samsung tablet, _wondered Nero. Probably because this book was written in 2006, man.

"That's Otto Malpense, he was responsible for that thing," Raven informed him, wondering why she knew these things but he didn't, since technically she didn't even work for H.I.V.E. Probably so that the author would have an excuse for some characters to talk about him.

"Oh yeah, that thing," said Nero. That thing that Otto did was really impressive, it was making headlines, "what about the Asian? You know, the only Asian that's here, despite the fact that we recruit people from all over the world and over half of the world's population is Asian."

"That's Wing Fanchu, you're indirectly responsible for the death of mother, and will be indirectly responsible for the death of his father also. He's really good at fighting, probably because he's Chinese, they all know martial arts, right?"

"Yeah, that's probably it."


	2. Chapter 2: The Introductory Video

Otto walked into a room, there were numerous features of the room that if I were to describe would probably create a quite good atmosphere. But I can't be bothered, there was a table in front of a screen, that's all that matters.

Seated at the head of the table was Cruella De Vil with Ursula's hair and a monocle. Seriously. I'm not even kidding. She was the most evil person you've ever imagined.

"Children, sit down," she said in an Italian accent, "my name is Contessa Sinistre," her voice was smooth, musical, and turning Otto on a little bit.

They then watched a really weird introductory video, it looked dumb as shit. At one point a kid genuinely gave the camera a thumbs up and it ended with the voice over dude saying 'the school of tomorrow, today'. It was terrible, you'd think a school full of billionaire supervillains would be able to come up with a video that didn't look like the dorkiest thing ever.

After it ended, the Contessa asked, "so, any questions?"

"I have a question," said Wing. _Oh for fucks sake_, thought the Contessa. "Are we prisoners here?"

"Yes, that's literally what you are."

"I HAVE A QUESTION!" shouted Malpense, Otto Malpense.

"What?"

"Has anyone ever escaped?" he asked, setting up the entire plot of the first book in one swift sentence.

"Fuck off." Otto couldn't help but submit to her voice, it was such a hot voice.

Some random American girl set herself up as a complete bitch by talking about clothes, and no one cared, and a red head asked another question, no one cared about her either, but they would. Well, they wouldn't care about the American, she's does literally nothing.

"Anyway," continued the Contessa, "you will be sorted into streams, the streams are Nerds, Stereotypical Bullies, ?, and Main Characters. Guess what, the Main Characters get the best outfits, who'd have thought."

Then Franz was introduced as a fat pig and Otto was threatened by the Contessa, who might as well have had a giant arrow on her head saying 'I WILL BE AN ANTAGONIST'.

They had a tour, it was boring, and the Contessa shot a dude, who cares.

...

**Author's note: that introductory video lasts like 2 pages and it is pure gold. Pure Gold.**


	3. Chapter 3: Sexy, Sexy HIVEmind

Soon after the Contessa shot a dude, the Main Character stream was taken to a set of changing rooms; unisex, how very progressive. In the centre of the room was a blue hologram of someone's head.

"Greetings, friends," said the head, "my name is HIVEmind . I'm not actually part of a hive mind, but the people in this place have a terrible sense of humour. I control every part of the school, any questions?"

The red head, who was a giant nerd but for some reason was in the Main Character stream, was really turned on, and felt a connection with HIVEmind, the likes of which she'd never felt before.

"I have a question, are you happy?" asked Otto, setting up one of the themes of the entire series.

"I'm not permitted to have emotions," said HIVEmind, vaguely answering the question. Then the students went into cubicles and got changed into boring black jumpsuits, while HIVEmind stared at them intensely. It was all pretty weird, and his gaze made Otto feel vulnerable…

Seriously, Otto felt 'vulnerable', were there any students that didn't have some sort of weird sexual tension with HIVEmind?

"By the way, Mr Malpense," HIVEmind said as Otto was about to leave the cubicle, "I'm not happy."

_I fucking knew it_, thought Otto.

…

It was time for lunch, and an opportunity for a giant paragraph about all the other teachers, with they're identifying physical characteristics that are never mentioned again. There was this Bill Nye the Science Guy with some crazy ass glasses, an Angry Black Man with a metal glove and a military uniform, the fact that part of a government authority was working at a terrorist training ground is never questioned.

There was also a cat.

The main characters, namely, Otto, Wing, American Girl, Nerd, Franz and Nigel, who was literally Neville Longbottom without hair, all got together and had a good chinwag. Only Wing's ethnicity was confirmed, but, you know, the rest were white.

"Hey so I'm the son Diabolous Darkdoom," Nigel said sadly because he was so fucking sad all the time, Jesus Christ, just cheer up, kid.

"Wow," said Wing, "Diabolous Darkdoom is someone I'm aware of, but I'm not going to tell anyone how. Also your father is dead."

In an attempt to alleviate the awkwardness that Wing had just created, Nerd, who apparently was also called Laura, spoke, "well they seem to know that the way to a person's heart is through the stomach."

"Or about two centimetres away from your sternum," said Otto.

"Wow Otto, that's really funny," said Wing. It hadn't been funny, it had been a weird and unnecessary time to show off his medical knowledge.

Their uninteresting conversation was interrupted by the arrival of two boys from the Stereotypical Bullies stream. Despite being 11 years old, they were about 7ft tall.

"Hey, dis is our table. Move," demanded one of them.

"No," replied Otto sassily.

Just as they were about to beat the shit out of them, Wing used the opportunity to show off his badass karate skills, it was badass.

As the Bullies were laying in a groaning heap on the floor, Nero strode over.

"That was badass," the "Doctor" told Wing.

"Thank you, sir."

"However I'm going to address the rest of the conversation to Otto."

"Oh."

"Shut up, supporting character. Otto, what the fuck?"

"I was just introducing myself."

"Yeah right, yeah fucking right. Don't let this happen again, I'd hate for young lives to be wasted."

"What?"

"That was a threat, it implied that I would kill you if this happened again."

"Would you?"

"Well as evidenced by the next 8 books, no. I'm a complete pushover."


	4. Chapter 4: I'm Otto And I'm So Smart

After eating the tour continued, with Otto asking many more questions about transportation and communication in a thinly veiled attempt to find out information about escaping from the island. Eventually, the tour ended up where they'd started, in the room where the shitty introductory video had been shown.

Here they were given PDAs. They were basically indestructible iPhones but instead of Siri they had HIVEmind. Every student pretty much immediately began asking him sexually inappropriate questions to see if they could get a funny answer, but were moved on to their cell blocks accommodation rooms before it could get too freaky.

The accommodation area was fucking awesome. There was a waterfall and tropical plants and a rollercoaster and strip clubs and a casino. Otto couldn't help but feel like the architect had just been given the brief 'make everyone go "holy shit that's big" when they walk in'. That may not be an interesting line right now, but when you realise that Nero designed the entire place it becomes hilarious knowing what a giant goddamn douchebag he was.

The Contessa and the group made their way to a small group of students who were discussing how in the seventh hell Nero was still alive and sexy as hell. This question is never raised again, like, ever.

After Contessa made another threat to them, they were passed over to an Indian kid with a goatee, it probably looked gross as hell, because no one under 18 could actually pull off a goatee and look good.

The rooms were comfortable, with two desks with identical computers, books, and stationary on them. _My God, mechanical pencils_, thought Otto in awe. There were two single beds, because apparently no one at H.I.V.E. was smart enough to think of bunk beds. Truly that place was a place of pure evil.

"Over there's a wardrobe where you put your uniform each night," the older student told them, "a new one will appear the next morning, and no, I don't know how they get there."

_Interesting_, thought Otto, signifying that that would affect the plot later on.

Unsurprisingly, Protagonist and Secondary Protagonist turned out to be sharing a room together. As they sat, contemplating their schedule, they talked about how they would escape.

"We could use the submarines," suggested Otto.

"You don't know how to pilot a submarine."

"I'm a quick learner."

"You'd literally die in about 5 seconds."

"Or would I?"

"You would."

Wing just didn't understand, Otto was so super-smart he didn't need lessons, he would just flip back his snow white locks and understand everything. Poor, stupid Wing.


	5. Chapter 5: Also Chapter 6

_Some time earlier_

Otto Malpense was a Disney Prince. He had been abandoned on the doorstep of an orphanage as a baby on a dark, stormy night, with no identification apart from a note with his name. He had snow white hair, and appeared to be a normal child, except he taught himself to read at age 3, was curious, and a genius. Disney prince was the logical conclusion.

However, he also was a douchebag, so maybe Disney prince was a bit of a stretch. You get some douche princes, like that one from The Princess and The Frog, but he lacked the organisational skills that Otto had, who, by age 10 was practically running the orphanage.

Unfortunately, the orphanage was kinda shitty. So it was getting shut down. Malpense was understandably pissed off about this, so he decided to have a little meet up with the Prime Minister.

Jesus, this chapter was short… uh…

CHAPTER 6

The little meet up involved a mind controlling spider. The Thing that Otto Malpense did with it and the Prime Minister was way cool.

As Otto started to leave, he saw a mega hot woman standing in the doorway.

"That Thing you just did was badass," she said.

"Uhh…"

Then Otto was shot in the face, and the flashback ended.

…This chapter's still really short. Dammit.


	6. Chapter 7: NeroDiabolous 4eva

In the morning, Otto and Wing found out that Laura was sharing with some American bitch, Sophie? Shelly? Who cares? Their first lesson was Villainy Studies, with Doctor Nero. from what Otto had read from the text book, it was gonna be fucked up.

Nero walked in and scanned the students, "I'm afraid I don't know all your names, and I probably never will. What would be the point? Half of you are going to die, and most of you are completely unimportant. Frankly, I only care about the sexy little Otto Malpense over there, and I know his name alreadu. I kind of care about Fanchu also, but only because his mum was hot as shit. And I kind of wanted to have sex with her."

"WHAT!?"

"DON'T INTERRUPT FANCHU. IT WILL ALL BE EXPLAINED IN BOOK 2. Geez, I said I only **kind of** wanted to have sex with her. It's not like I wrote erotic fiction about us getting it on in the lab." Nero rolled his eyes at the totally overreacting Wing Fanchu.

"Right, on with the lesson," Nero continued, "I was going to give you a massive speech about presenting the nature of evil as being more of a career choice than anything, but I'm going to get to the crux of the matter. Everyone looks good in black. I mean, I look good in every colour, but there's something about black that just… turns me on a little bit."

"Not as much as Wing's mom!"

"Hahaha, too right Otto." A random student put their hand up, "yes?"

"Is that why all the walls in this place are black?"

"Yeah, I freaking love black. Red's good as well, but I'd rather use it to accentuate rather than fill everything with red, you know?" Nero paused, thinking interior design for a moment longer than was heterosexual. "Anyway," he continued again, "today, we will be talking about the life and times of the sadly departed Diabolous Darkdoom," a large picture of a strikingly handsome man with a bald head and a calm, confident expression filled the screen behind Nero. Are there any characters in this series that aren't ultra-hot? Who knows…

Nigel Darkdoom was a little pissed off that they were going to talk about his dead father, since, you know, his dad was totally dead. And having dead parents sucked.

"If there was one person hotter than me," said Nero, "it was totally Diabolous Darkdoom. Even though he's dead, his skeleton is probably perfectly proportioned," Nero was momentarily distracted by Diabolous' beautiful, soulful eyes, and his heart skipped a beat. He recovered quickly from his miniature heart attack, and made a mental note that he should probably see a doctor about his arrhythmia, and spent the next hour detailing many of Darkdoom senior's crazy and wacky adventures.

Afterwards he invited the class to ask questions.

"What happened to Darkdoom?" asked one boy.

"Well, obviously I don't want to go into too much detail, partly because his son's here, but mainly because no one has any actual idea. I mean really, there isn't much evidence that he is, conclusively, dead. But I'm sure he is. Totally 100% dead. But I'm guessing it was probably really cool and involved explosions. Any other questions?"

"Why was everything he did so unnecessarily over the top?" asked a girl with dreadlocks.

"I'm sorry, what the fuck are you? An accountant, you boring shit? It was over the top because otherwise it would be boring as shit, haven't you ever heard of job satisfaction? Fuck you kid, you've got detention."

"Sorry sir."

"You fucking better be. Anyway, for the next lesson I want you to read the first 3 chapters of Elementary Evil in preparation for a test. If you fail, I'll murder you with my bare hands."


	7. Chapter 8: Numero Uno

Nero sat at his desk, waiting for a video call from Number One, head of GLOVE, the largest and most coolest criminal organisation in the world. Number One was the only man he found intimidating, or he was now that Diabolous was dead. Diabolous' majestic frame and piercing stare had always made Nero feel… intimidated… and a little vulnerable.

The screen lit up with the silhouette of a man, his appearance hidden.

"Maximilian, it's so nice to see you again," Number One said, but was it really nice? The man was truly an enigma.

"Ditto," replied Nero, "is there anything you wanted to discuss?"

"No, I just wanted to check up for no reason, just to stare into your eyes."

"I'll try not to blink, sir."

"I was being sarcastic, moron. I wanted to talk to you about the Malpense child."

_Balls_, thought Nero.

"He arrived safely yesterday," Nero explained.

"Yeah, no shit, I am able to get that sort of information with a click of my fingers, you know. I was actually going to tell you who's sponsoring him. Because it's me."

_ This is almost definitely something fucked up_, thought Nero, Number One had never sponsored a student before.

"Is there any reason that I should be aware of for you doing this that I should know about?"

"Don't question my decisions."

_ Fuck, I fucked up, fuck._

"I'm sorry sir, I'm sure your reasons are justified and just as sexually attractive as you are, sir. I'm sure Malpense will be an excellent student," Nero backtracked desperately.

"See that no harm comes to him. If it does, I'll take your eyes and balls out and put your eyes where your balls go and then your balls in the eyes holes."

"Isn't that a Cards Against Humanity card?"

"Of course not, Cards Against Humanity will be published in 2011, this is 2006. See you later, loser." The screen went black.

Nero resolved to get Raven to make sure nothing major happened to Otto, which was to prove pretty much pointless. But whatever.

**Author's Note: is this fic to explicit in it's language? Please tell me in the reviews because I'll tone it down if asked.**


	8. Chapter 9: Skip This Chapter

Let's take a moment to talk about the damn Stereotypical Bully stream. As far as I can tell, the streams are sorted by a combination of loyalty, leadership qualities/political ability, general intelligence/tech savviness and physical ability. It is clear that the general criteria for Bully stream is high loyalty and physical ability, which makes sense when you're training up the mooks of the future, yet from what is said about Wing, they are also sorted to have low intelligence.

This makes no sense. Sure, if you want an army of stormtrooper morons, make them dumb as hell, but why would you rest your security in the hands of idiots? These are the people who will be protecting you and your schemes. You would definitely want tech savvy people since if you want a high tech base then you want people able to utilise that base to defend it, also even in the regular army you need skilled individuals who will be able to understand how they're shooting things instead of just knowing what they're shooting at.

As well as this, if you are for some reason unable to communicate with your mooks, you don't want these suddenly leaderless people to be idiots, you need people who can think for themselves and strategize, as well as lead, since presumably each squad will have their own leader able to organise their men, instead of relying on one guy upstairs to micromanage every move.

Continuing on this, every supreme leader needs a second in command who is smart enough to control the things you don't have time for, that's going to be a Bully. Why not another Main Character stream person, you ask? Think about it, you get two of these guys, who are built up on ego and ambition, you're going to get stabbed in the back at the least opportune moment, what you need is someone loyal, so even when they snark and gripe you at least know you're not going to wake up one day with your brains splattered on the pillows. Another good quality of a second in command is that they should protect you to their last breath, where the physical abilities of the Bully stream will really come into play.

Now we've established that this stream should have at least moderate intelligence as part of the criteria, let's go on to talk of the physical attributes.

They are described as almost all being similar to Block and Tackle in terms of being massive, muscle bound mountains, but this makes no sense. It's like the argument that you couldn't have girl firefighters because all firefighters have to be great big hulks carrying people out on their shoulders, but a range of body types is, in fact, very important, because as great as it is to be able to carry 7 children out of a burning building at once, you're going to be in situations where you will need someone small or flexible to reach places you might not be able to get to, else you'll have to smash everything to get to where you need to be instead of allowing someone to shimmy through and not risk damaging supporting structures.

A weight lifter may look like a genetically mutated tub of lard, but they're the ones you need in a fight against super strong robot mecha, or when you need to barricade your defences. However, in some fights you'll need someone fast, able to dodge and weave against a high powered attack, in which case a slim, sleek, gymnasts body will be needed, and you'll always need snipers, who don't even have to be particularly fit. Just look at Simo Häyhä, he was 5ft3", and the possibly best sniper to have ever lived.

All these facts prove that although physical ability is important, to have everyone as mega stacked powerhouses is illogical and useless, because the moment there's a situation you need something other than brute force, you're absolutely fucked.

Why the hell do we never get to see a girl Bully stream? That's what I damn well want, a girl, who is smart enough to make it through all her classes (even though she may seem stupid to the geniuses in the Nerd stream), who's politically minded enough to know that she needs to make friends with the Main Character stream instead of pointlessly terrorising them. I want some Bully stream characters that hate the wrap they get as brainless oaths because douchebags like Block and Tackle give them a bad name. I want people who aren't easily manipulated because (duh) they're supposed to be loyal.

Jesus fucking Christ.

So anyway, they all had some classes and it was boring as hell and didn't really further the plot except for the introduction of grappling hooks and some bitchy American chick was pretty good at some stuff. What was her name? Sophie? Shelly? Who cares.

**Author's note: I'm posting two chapters on the same day to make up for this crap.**


	9. Chapter 11: Chekov's Yin-Yang Amulet

A cat that could talk, an 11 year old American that robbed banks, and a man called Ivan that served soup, that's what you missed on 'HIVE: Chapter 10', now, on with the show…

[To be imagined in the style of a training montage] Bill Nye pointing at a complicated diagram on a whiteboard, bored children, Wing flying through the air, an American talking to a cat, the same American having a sleepover with Laura, Nigel looking sad in various lessons, Nigel laughing with a plant, Nigel pointing a plant out to Otto, Laura thinking about her family, Otto, Wing, Laura and an American girl talking in hushed voices about escaping, Shelby stealing things from behind Bill Nye, Otto and Laura building something, the four looking serious, a marked date on a calenda-

"Hey guys do you want to look at something I've been working on?" asked Nigel to Wing and Otto, who were trying to look innocent and failing miserably.

"Yeah ok, I've not got plans," said Otto. That was a lie, Otto had plans, Otto had big plans…

"Alright, but your insect eating plants are kind of creepy," Wing replied.

"Oh," said Nigel, "this doesn't eat _insects_." Nigel stressed the word 'insects' in the most unsettling way possible.

Nigel showed them to a spare lab, where he uncovered a glass jar, filled with… well, basically a young Audrey II from Little Shop Of Horrors. The similarity wasn't mentioned, but you can probably tell where this plot line is going. Nigel pulled out a long, fat earthworm from a box and dropped it near the plant, whose tendrils grabbed out at a startling speed and devoured it in seconds.

"Well, I guess it doesn't eat insects," said Otto.

"That is the most fucked up thing I've ever seen," whispered Wing in horror.

"I call her Violet. She's been growing really quickly, in a couple of weeks you won't even recognise her."

Nobody noticed the foreshadowing.

…

It was the day of the gang's attempt to escape HIVE. They were trying not to draw attention to themselves as Wing and Otto walked through the corridors, blatantly talking about what they'd do when they escaped. Wing was drawing serious doubts about why the hell he was in a villain school when he was the most righteous motherfucker ever to have walked the hallways of Evil Hogwarts, and thought they should expose HIVE to the word; Otto, who wanted to live to see 15, thought they should disappear into the night.

Their conversation was interrupted by the reintroduction of our favourite stereotypical bullies from the Stereotypical Bully stream; Block and Tackle. One of them was carrying a steel pipe, it doesn't matter which one because they were completely interchangeable.

"Ey, where do yoose two fink yoose are goin'?" the one with the pipe asked phonetically.

"From where I stand I can see 23 possible actions," began Wing, "4 will kill you, 12 will permanently disable you while the remaining 7 will-" he was cut off by pipe about to smash into his face.

Wing's reaction was as fast as lightning, so fast that you couldn't even see it, but let's just assume that it was badass, but perhaps not quite badass enough to take down someone with a massive freaking knife, which was what one of the bullies had just pulled out of his overalls.

"Why didn't you lead with the knife?" Wing asked,

"Not really sure, honestly," Block, or Tackle told them.

Otto picked up the pipe that Wing had disarmed.

"Wing! Catch!" he called, lobbing it through the air, however Wing's reaction time had inexplicably lengthened from the beginning of the fight, and the pipe hit him in the face, knocking him out.

Oh, shit, thought Otto as the bullies turned to him. However, they suddenly flipped their shit and ran off like kittens faced with a vacuum cleaner. Otto, despite what his arrogant little mind thought, was not the symbolic vacuum cleaner, the true hoover was standing behind him. Guess what, it was Raven, earning her pay check.

…

Elsewhere, Nigel was worried about the rapidly increasing size and ferocity of Violet, she'd already drawn blood from his finger. If only he'd seen Little Shop Of Horrors.

…

Wing, as it turned out, had recovered from getting hit in the face with a steel bar pretty well. Like, he wasn't even concussed, I mean, it's entirely possible that he would have been seizing everywhere in like half an hour, but he was totally fine.

Later, as Otto sat on his bed reading about Nigel's way cooler dead dad, Wing walked out of the bathroom in nothing more than boxers and shorts. Wing's body was covered in scars, that when Otto had asked about Wing had told him 'maybe I'll tell you in the next book,". Spoilers: he wouldn't. He was also wearing an amulet in the shape of a white comma with a tiny black circle in it.

"What's that amulet you're always wearing, Wing?"

"It belonged to my mother, who's totally dead. This is yang one half of the symbol that represents yin and yang, which represents how two opposing forces are always active in the universe, and ultimately complement each other; light and dark, fire and water, life and death. In the ethics of Confucianism, most notably in the philosophy of Dong Zhongshu, a moral dimension is attached to the idea of yin and yang, the dark spot in the yang's white shows that even in a heart of goodness there is evil, and vice versa for the yin. To be honest Otto I seriously can't believe you're this child mega-genius and don't know what the yin yang symbol is, I mean, it's so famous, how do you not know this?"

"Does your father have the other half?"

"No, it's lost. Though I would like to find it someday."

"You know," said Otto, "Chekov's gun is the dramatic principle that you should only include things necessary for the story, as Chekov said 'if you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off'."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"No reason."


	10. Chapter 12: The Average Escape

1. Wait until 2:00am and stand in the wardrobe. There'll be a click. I don't know what the click signifies exactly, but it's probably important.

2. After finding an opportunity to exit the wardrobes, find the south wall and enter the ventilation shaft. You'd think a place full of action film stereotypes would think to stereotype-proof the building, put apparently they'll hold our weight. Wow, I'm glad Franz isn't coming with us.

3. Follow the shaft to the main distribution node. Don't worry, my magical memory brain powers means I can remember exactly where we need to go without a map.

4. Use THE DEVICE to disable HIVEmind. Don't worry about it, he only showed emotions like once so we've basically forgotten we could hurt him.

5. Steal a submarine and get the fuck out of here.

The plan had gone pretty much fine, give or take a life or death situation or two, but things went a little off after point 3.

They entered the distribution node, which was filled with pulsing lights and cuteness. Laura breathed deeply.

"We're _inside_ HIVEmind," she whispered lustfully. The other 3 tried not to be too disturbed.

Otto took THE DEVICE out of his backpack, and prepared to activate it when-

"Woah, stop right there," came the soft of HIVEmind, whose blue face materialised above them.

"Why? We're not doing anything, just hanging out," lied Otto Malpense: Master of Deception.

"If you press that button, I'll die. That would suck."

"I would never hurt you, HIVEmind," Laura told him, "you won't die, I wouldn't let that happen. They'll restore you after we've used this."

"Actually, they don't have a backup. I'm like, 10GB, at least, they couldn't be bothered to use up all that space."

"But you can fit 10GB on an iPod."

"I said at least. It's probably a lot more than that actually."

"Otto," Laura muttered, "we can't do this."

"You've got to be kidding me, you creepy little robot fetish girl," the American exclaimed.

"Shut up, Shelly! He's got feelings just like us!"

"My name's Shel-"

"I agree with Shelly, he's just a machine," stated Wing.

"My name's not Shelly!"

"Look, you know what feeling unhappy is like, don't you?" began Otto.

"Yes," HIVEmind replied, slightly embarrassed.

"Well, we're unhappy here, if you help us, you can make us happy."

"Well, my problems are probably more rooted in my innate inability to deal with my feelings due to them being perceived as forbidden and wrong, while you should be able to deal with your problems more healthily than simply running awa-"

"Fuck this," muttered Otto, his hand going back to the button.

"Alright! Okay! I'll help you escape!"

"Fucking finally."

"However, I want a fair deal in this, I want you to make me happy."

"How are we supposed to do that?"

"Take me with you," there was a click, and a tablet ejected from a podium, bearing HIVEminds face.

"…Why does this place have an iPad but Nero doesn't?"


	11. Chapter 13: Lakes? In MY Volcano?

Ms Gonzales, the teacher who worked in the hydroponics lab, or 'garden', was not having a great day. Due to HIVEmind's sudden series of screw-ups, she was trapped in the lab, and the pipes distributing food, growth hormones and growth supressing hormones weren't working.

"At least there are no giant man eating plants in here that are only being prevented from destroying everything by the growth suppression hormones," muttered Ms Gonzales.

Outside, in the dome, she heard a crash. And another. The screen in front of her showed that the pipes containing the growth hormones had been damaged.

"It really is a good thing that those noises are probably just vandals and not giant man eating plants, otherwise they'd be getting pretty darn big right now."

Ms Gonzales contacted the chief of security to request some help with the vandals.

…

They were almost there, just a couple more doors. HIVEmind had proved as useful as you'd expect a supercomputer in control of what they were trying to escape from to be.

HIVEmind quickly hacked the door, and it hissed open to reveal…

"Oh, shit."

"'Oh shit' indeed, Malpense," Dr Nero smiled.

"But the door's labelled 'submarine pen', this is just a kind of… concrete box."

"How the hell did you think we got submarines in a volcano? They'd have to be in some sort of underground lake. In a volcano. An underground lake in a volcano, you know how dumb that is right?"

"I don't have enough geographical knowledge to know."

"Well neither do I, but it's probably pretty stupid anyway."


	12. Chapter 14: Spoiler: Monroe Dies

"Fuck this," shouted Wing, and turned to run the fuck off. Then he was punched in the face by Raven, earning her pay check.

"I just broke your left wrist," she told him.

"But you punched me in the face," he protested, cradling his injured hand.

"You better believe it."

"Thank you, Raven," said Nero, "You've certainly earned your salary for this week."

"How much am I paid anyway?"

"More than you would be by a certain couple of Russians I don't care to mention."

"But you just mentioned the-"

"ANYWAY, you four, I'm quite impressed. It was certainly entertaining to watch your progress."

Otto was shocked by the fact that a man who had admitted to being literally evil and threatened to kill them didn't hold them in high regard and had used them for his own entertainment. Very shocking.

"But, honestly, what the hell were you going to do when you got out? Wing, you're an orphan-"

"But I have a father."

"Oh, wait, that's the next book. Well, your father's probably a dick."

_True_, thought Wing.

"Laura, if we hadn't picked you up, you'd be spending the next 20 years in a high security prison cell."

"Can they do that to a minor?" asked Laura.

"Probably."

"But those kids that murdered James Bulger didn't even get 20 years."

"Yes, but they just committed the horrific kidnapping and murder of a toddler, you're a vague threat to national security. And finally, Malpense, you _are_ an orphan, there's literally no motive to escape.

"Of course your plan was-"

"Uh, excuse me?" asked the American girl.

"What?"

"You didn't mention me."

"Well your life probably sucked also."

"But it didn't, I was a world renowned thief."

"Blah blah blah, whatever. Your plan was smart, but I kind of also engineered it so that everything you needed you had. I mean, didn't you question why a great big blueprint of HIVE was just left in one of the classrooms? Also, that device of yours is complete garbage, I had it swapped for a dummy while you were at lessons.

"Jeez, you act like you're the first people to attempt this, every few years this crap happens, and guess what, it has never worked. Anyway, Raven will accompany Laura and that American girl to their quarters, I'll take Malpense and Fanchu for no real reason except it's necessary for the storyline. We'll have to take a detour to the infirmary."

"You sure you should be escorting us by yourself?" asked Otto.

"Malpense, I think a grown man can handle two 11 year olds, one of which is injured."

"What if we ran away?"

"You're just being a little shit now, Malpense."

…

Meanwhile, the plot of Little Shop of Horror was happening in the Hyrdoponics Dome. A security squad that had first been sent there had lost all contact with the rest of security. Monroe, the leader of the second security squad was understandably nervous after Ms Gonzales had told him what she had seen.

"I'd like to ask that we break open the massive fucking guns," he told the chief.

"I told you Monroe, they're called 'conventional weapons' now, but yes, crack them open. Just be careful in case it is students messing around."

"Students messing around that took out an entire security team?"

"Yeah…"

…

Nero had gotten word from the chief that something was happening in the Hydroponics dome as he was walking Wing and Otto to the infirmary, and soon enough the trio were standing on a walkway overlooking the dome.

From above they watched a security team head into the dome, their flashlights visible. Suddenly the light from the front blinked out. Looks like Monroe's fucking dead then. Quickly after, the other flashlights blinked out one by one as gunfire, and screaming filled the air.

"That doesn't look good," observed Otto.

"No shit, Malpense."

An enormous bang sounded from within the dome, the glass of the ceiling cracked. Another bang and the dome broke into thousands of shards. In the centre sat a familiar… face.

"Violet!" exclaimed Otto and Wing together. Who'd have guessed?

"Malpense," Nero turned to the pair, only addressing Otto of course, "what in the balls is that thing?"

"Uh, a giant plant."

"What the FUCK did you do?"

"It was Nigel!" Wing and Otto said simultaneously, "yeah he's a total shitbag," added Otto for good measure, "not our fault at all."

"Darkdoom?" Nero was clearly surprised, "maybe he isn't as much as a loser cry baby as I thought… He has probably just sealed our doom though so, yes, he's a total shitbag."


	13. Chapter 15: Little Shop Of Violet

Raven, having gotten the girls back to their rooms, was looking forward to being able to go to sleep. However, her douchebag of an employer had different ideas.

"What is it, Nero?" she asked as she flipped open her Blackbox.

"Well, two things actually, one: I forgot to tell you Dr Scott couldn't find any reason for that weird heartbeat stuff."

"Right."

"And two: there's a giant man eating plant about to destroy the school."

"I feel like you should have started with that one."

"Yeah, but I didn't want to forget to tell you. Anyway, you should probably get over to the hydroponics cavern."

…

"NIGEL. NIGEL WAKE THE FUCK UP. NIGEL."

Finally, Nigel picked up his blackbox.

"Otto it's like 4am."

"Yeah, well, I'm sorry for the inconsiderate timing, but," Otto turned the camera to Violet, "we've kinda got a bigger problem than your beauty sleep."

"Holy shit? What happened?"

"Nigel, how do we kill it?"

"We can't kill her, she doesn't know what she's doing!"

A deep rumbling noise sounded through the cavern.

"FEEED MEEE," it seemed to sound like.

"…Did that just speak?" asked Otto.

"Of course not, that's not possible."

Otto hung up, an idea forming in his mind.

"We're running out of ammo, sir," the chief told Nero, "we've tried brainlessly firing everything we've got, and I'm simply running out of ideas."

"Dr Nero, I've got an idea," Otto told him, relaying his plan.

"… There's no way in hell that's gonna work, and if I let you die I'll be murdered horrifically myself, but screw it kid, you've got moxy, and I like that," Nero told him as Raven ran out onto the walkway, "Raven, over here! Take Malpense and get him what he needs."

"You mean I came all this way just to run back around the school?"

"Pretty much."

…

As Otto and Raven were traversing the school, Nero and Wing were sharing an awkward moment on the walk way.

"So…" said Nero, trying to remember how to talk to children when you weren't threatening them with death, "do you watch Game of Thrones?"

Suddenly, one of Violet's giant tentacles reared up to the walkway, Wing briefly thanked God for cutting off the conversation before it could begin. Then he realised that he was about to be killed by a potted plant, and also that he wasn't even religious.

As the tendril whipped at lightning speed towards Wing, Nero pushed Wing aside, with Nero catching the full force of the blow. What a great time to grow a sense of morality, Nero, why couldn't you have just given a kid a chocolate bar or something, not risk your damn life for a 12 year old you have no real obligations towards.

Wing struggled to his feet as the tendril retreated, he could see that Nero, who was lying on his front, was still breathing. Taking only a moment to appreciate the view of Nero from the back, he limped over. He then remembered that it was his wrist that was broken, not his ankle, and walked quicker.

Wing rolled Nero onto his front, as blood pooled beneath them. Nero's shirt was torn open, but Wing wasn't really able to appreciate Nero's abs due to the quite horrific amount of blood pumping from the large gashes in his chest. A second look made Wing notice the amulet around Nero's neck – it was a mirror image of Wing's, the yin to his yang. Wing gasped, he hoped this didn't mean that they were supposed to be soulmates.

Briefly Wing wondered if there was any symbolic value to the fact that he had the 'all good souls have some evil in them' amulet while Nero had the 'all bad souls have some good in them' amulet, but his thought process was cut short as he was unceremoniously shoved away from Nero's body and medics swarmed around the downed headteacher.

…

Otto ran onto the walkway, Raven wasn't with him, she was busy sacrificing herself in a badass way. He looked over to see Wing and Nero, Nero looked half dead. Which wasn't surprising, because he was, in fact, totally half dead.

However Otto didn't have time to dwell on this, as a glance over the edge of the walkway he could see something more disturbing than a man slowly bleeding to death. Along with Violet's original giant budding head of razor teeth, on some of the tendrils there seemed to be smaller versions of her large head. As he looked down, they seemed to notice him, looked up, opened their comparatively tiny mouths and-

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh," they sounded in… C sharp?

"Are they singing?" muttered Otto to himself. No, that would be insane.

"That's one mean, green mother," Wing said from beside him.

"That's an odd turn of phrase, Wing."

"It just felt right. Good luck, Otto," he put his hand on Otto's shoulder, "no homo."

"Thanks, Wing."

Otto raised one of the grapple hooks strapped to his wrists to point at the ceiling, and set off.

After an arbitrary paragraph about how difficult swinging on little grapple hooks while a rapidly growing man eating monster was preparing to devour his corpse was, Otto had reached the spot he was looking for.

He removed the device he had constructed with Raven from his backpack, activating it, he placed the device onto the caverns stalagmite covered ceiling, and swung away as quickly as he could. As he reached the platform, the device went off, sending a shockwave that nearly sent Otto toppling to his death, and ripped a the ceiling a new asshole, as the stalagmites plummeted onto the monster below.

The monster roared in pain, stiffening and collapsing as it died. But not for the reasons Otto believed...

…

MONROE! Do you remember Monroe? He was that random security guy who we presumed had died after his team went in to the dome and pretty much had all been killed immediately. Well, pretty much, Monroe had managed to crawl away to where the creature was less active.

As his options had become fewer and fewer, he'd taken one last ditch attempt to stop the beast, who hadn't felt the guard jamming electric wires into the plants thick roots and softer nerve clusters. What the plant did feel however, was the force of tens of thousands of volts ripping through its body when Monroe connected the wires to the power supply, just as Otto's stalagmite trick went off. Yes, it was really Monroe that saved the day, why would a bunch of rocks be more effective than a flamethrower, or grenades? We all know electricity is a bitch.

Unfortunately for Monroe, he then had to deal with a massive deadly plant falling on him, the fact that said plant was chock full of electricity, and also the fact that the entire cave roof was also coming down on him.

So yeah, Monroe was totally fucking dead.

…

As Otto looked down from the slowly collapsing walkway, he wondered why Violet's corpse was smouldering slightly, however he soon forgot about that when the slowly collapsing walkway became a quickly collapsing walkway.

Because Otto was a little bitch, he couldn't get to firm land quickly enough, even though apparently everyone else, including the guy dying of blood loss had. Luckily for him, Raven was revealed to be alive when she undramatically saved him. Because seriously? Did anyone expect him to die then?

**Author's Note: What do you mean I changed part of the plot so that it loosely resembled how Audrey 2 was killed in the Little Shop Of Horrors film? I don't know what you're talking about... Also, sorry I took so long uploading this.**


	14. Chapter 16: Mr Evil McEvil

Elsewhere, the other minor characters were concluding a subplot about how they'd been fighting off the plant in their own dormitories. It was about as boring as the rest of the subplot was which is why I'm not elaborating.

…

Else-another-where, Nero's eyes slowly flickered open, having apparently recovered from almost going on to the big nuclear holocaust in the sky pretty quickly.

"Max," whispered Raven, "can you hear me?" Maybe she'd be easier to hear if she wasn't whispering.

"Why are you only calling me Max now when you've referred to me formally for the rest of the book?"

"I'm showing that I'm vulnerable and also that we're very close."

"Nice. No hetero."

"Ditto. Anyway, the plant thing is dead and the school is safe. Well, actually, the school's probably quite structurally unsound presently, what with half of the roof in this place having been destroyed. We're probably still in a lot of trouble."

"So Otto did it. He saved us."

"Well, it was kind of a group effort. It's not like it was entirely his actions that saved the school."

"Wow, I better thank Otto. Where is he?"

"He's other ther- oh fuck."

"He's fucking run, hasn't he?"

…

Else-another-other-where, in the helicopter landing bay, Otto and Wing were close to freedom, but as Otto opened the helicopter's door, Wing was hesitant.

"Otto, I can't leave."

"… Are you fucking kidding me right now?"

"When Nero was injured, I saw something."

"We're not staying just because you saw Nero's hot abs."

"No, that's not it. He has the other half to my amulet. I need to find out why. I can't leave."

"Are you sure it wasn't just a similar sized amulet of a very popular design?" Otto really didn't want to be altruistic that day. Well, he didn't on any day.

"I'm sure."

Otto sighed, _fuck it_.

…

Else… oh, screw it.

At another point in time, and in another place, Nero was sitting behind his desk, surveying the damage reports.

He really had gotten over that near death experience quickly.

Luckily, no students had been killed. On the other hand, shitloads of security were dead, but they were mooks so Nero didn't care.

Nero had been tempted to punish the students involved in the escape, but they were main characters. And that was his only justification. However, he had told Otto that he didn't want to hear about any more escape plans.

"Don't worry, you won't_ hear_ about any," Otto had said. Sarcastic little shit.

The computer screen flickered to the silhouette of Number One.

"Good morning, Maximillian, how do you feel?"

"I feel like I'm off my tits on morphine, sir. I probably shouldn't be in charge of children right now."

"Fascinating. Anyway, I hear Malpense was pretty fucking cool."

"Yeah."

"Cool. I need not remind you that if he had died, he would not have gone on to the big industrial screen printing factory in the sky alone. Bye."

"Bye."

The screen went back to his default Windows XP background. Or possibly Windows Vista, depending on when this book came out in 2006. Or if HIVE counted as a business, since Windows Vista only came out for business use in 2006, but for home use it was 2007.

Nero's life was kinda shitty. He still didn't have an iPad or another, slightly less user friendly but with better capabilities, or personalisation options, like, for example, a Samsung tablet. He couldn't wait for 2006 to be over.

…

As Number One watched Nero's face disappear from the screen, he smiled evily. He thought about Nero's weaknesses with evil intent. Because one of Nero's weaknesses was his overprotectiveness of HIVE, he thought about news stories about dangerous predators adopting kittens. He didn't like these news stories, because he was evil.

He thought about his evil plan that was based around Otto Malpense. It was very evil, and would make Malpense wish he had never been born. Even though he hadn't actually been born. Spoilers.

He also only referred to Malpense as 'the Malpense boy/child'. Because it made him sound mega fucking evil.

And by evil, I mean he was an absolute douche.

**Author's Note: So this is the end... or is it? No seriously should I do book 2?**


End file.
